Wednesday, June 9


I got all verklempt earlier this morning talking to the director of my writing program. It's the end of the program, I'm going off on my own, I don't know what the fuck I want to do, I'm not sure what kind of place would be good for me, I swing back and forth between thinking I'm supertalented and that I'm boring and should go write encyclopedias. I tried to talk to the director about how being in this program has made me reevaluate what I want to do with my life, what makes life satisfying, what is important, when should I do what's important rather than just doing what's fun... but I wasn't very successful at formulating my vague feelings surrounding these Big Questions About Life. He was very kind and said I'm very talented and not to worry about it. I should just try different things and see what happens.

My fear is that I'll look back and feel that I wasted a lot of time. This is a recurring theme for me, ever since my dad died seven years ago. I think he died unhappy, partly because he didn't fulfill his potential. Looking back on my last few years, I've gone down a lot of blind alleys: Physics wasn't all I thought it would be, so after I got my bachelor's I hardly thought about it at all. I had no real aim for a couple of years, then settled into a job that I knew I didn't want to do for the long term, but that fed me. In the light of what I'm doing now, that time seems somewhat wasted. If only I could've made up my mind before all that to go into science writing!

But when I step back from all this (as I have somewhat now, finishing this post days later) I remember all the other stuff I did during that time. I made a bunch of good friends around the Bay Area; I finally starting doing sitting meditation regularly and working with a teacher, which was fruitful; I found something that I really want to do and can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. As if 27 is late for that realization to come! Some people never seem to find something they're passionate about, so I should be happy I found something at all.


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