blast

Someone at work Googled me the other day and crappy articles from my first internship came up tops. Bummer. I did this again today to find my pieces for work that Korean pirates put online, and not too far down the list I ran across something even better: this top ten list I made with some friends in high school, which somehow got online. I vaguely remember someone asking our permission to print it back in college...

Top Ten Ways to Fuck Up Your Kids
From the Oregon Voice, by Chris Galbraith, Todd Higashi, Mason [censored], Josh Livni, Jeff Pettus, Rob Ruby, and Matt Wheeland

10. Pretend to die, see what they do.
9. Make them watch pornos all day.
8. Kill all the family pets and say that God did it because they wouldn't do the dishes. This should foster a nice atheistic household.
7. When you bathe them, point and laugh at their genitalia.
6. Tell them you love them every day. When they say, "I love you too," laugh and say, "I was just kidding!"
5. Tape them to the ceiling.
4. For the first five years of their life (until they start Kindergarten) replace all the lights in the house with strobe lights. See what happens. (My guess: They'll learn to blink in synch with the strobe. That's what happened when I tried this experiment with kittens.)
3. Whenever they say a certain word, (let's pick "hungry") do a little dance, jump up and down three times, clap, touch your toes, then lay down and pretend to go to sleep.
2. Teach them right and left backwards. This will be sure to fuck them up for years to come.
1. Do whatever your parents did to you. You're pretty fucked up.

Ah, youth.

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